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As night follows day, it doesn’t necessarily follow that cute women will have cute feet. We have seen genuine beauties drag around a set of ball peen hammers then try to slip them into hideous, width diminishing, cramped footwear. But Courtney Hansen, an actress, television model and- get this- syndicated columnist, appears to be blessed on most scales of pulchritudinous evaluation. Courtney’s father has been the winner of scads of auto racing championships and Courtney, who grew up in Orono, Minnesota around the track pits, certainly would know the smell of racing combustion when it gets into her nostrils. With a degree in marketing from Florida State University, Courtney’s also been a skin care and fitness model and was named one of FHM’s “100 Sexiest Women in the World 2005.” A woman whose genetic assembly and made for speed chassis will obviously allow her to do no wrong, Courtney chooses an outfit from the Owens Corning home shingle line- in gray- to match a day in Seattle. Obviously practiced in the style of direct-response coquetry [yeah that sly, practiced pseudo-wink came out of nowhere], Courtney’s no doubt been trained to get all she can out of life. With a better choice of shoes she might have gotten a higher score. But we’re no sucker for slinky dames and their cultivated feminine wiles. Courtney gets a “9″. That’ll show her.
Celebrity: 9 out of 10, Courtney Hansen | No Comments »
Born in Malaysia and a former beauty contest winner, actress Michelle Yeoh, whose background is Martial Arts movies, specializes in playing Oriental broads who can defy gravity, walk up walls and beat the snot out of slant eyed bad guys. Which makes us a bit reticent to offer any critiques of Michelle’s fashion stylings even in a droll, light hearted, sophisticated vein. As you probably gathered from her latest flick The Mummy: Tomb of the Dragon Emperor, in which she plays a witch, Michelle can go from inner tranquility to bad ass quicker than you can say Jet Li. As a young woman, Michelle entertained ideas of becoming a prima ballerina but, quicker than you can say Christopher Reeve, a spinal injury put a restraining order to that aspect of her career. However, quicker than you can say Jackie Chan, Michelle went from being a Miss World pageant contestant to doing commercials with the Kung Fu icon which caught the attention of a film company. Once selected as one of the 50 Most Beautiful People in the World, Michelle now at the ripe age of 46, obviously dresses in the belief that fairy godmothers can still walk the red carpet and maintain dignity, sheathed in a yellow window curtain. The feet also present another problem. Michelle’s left foot forward is a display of crouching toenail, hidden bunion. Could it be that her shoes are too tight or is our Kung Fu better than hers? Having played an immortal in the recent mummy movie, Michelle can take an eternity to ponder the “six” we give her.
Celebrity: 6 out of 10, Michelle Yeoh | No Comments »
Not to be confused with Fergie the Duchess, Fergie the pop singer from Hacienda Heights, California, did record an album called The Dutchess which should certainly confuse royalty issues. Born as far away from a castle as you can possibly get, Fergie the singer, nee Stacy Ann Ferguson, was raised with strict religious values, but was hard to contain as a kid. And it was either shoot her up with morphine or Ritalin. Her mother, a schoolteacher, not wanting a zombie for a kid, nixed the idea. Which was just as well because Fergie wound up being a girl scout, a straight-A student, a spelling bee champion and eventually made use of all the characters in her head by doing voiceovers for commercials. The young Fergie then landed a spot on the kids’ TV series Kids Incorporated. A contract dispute eventually prevented her from appearing in the re-make of John Carpenter’s The Fog, so Fergie did the next best thing. She worked in Wolfgang Peterson’s turd-on-water remake of The Poseidon Adventure. Fergie later appeared in Grindhouse where she plays a lesbian. Which brings us to the issue at hand: the rather macho, greasy-haired square-jawed don’t screw with me pose Fergie’s assuming in this photograph. The gladiator belt, we think, also adds a nice overall touch to a statement that says I’ve seen the inside of a lot of combat arenas, and I was the one who got out alive. But this could be a trick of an overactive imagination and, hence, our need for Ritalin. And, those shoes. Those Madam Olga hand-me-downs. We’ve seen them hundreds of times over and again on red carpets, and they never fail to spark a sense of wonder in our foot loving souls. Why? Why would a woman dare to assume that there was sex appeal nestling among those craven straps? Fergie dared to assume. We dare to give her a “six” for toenails that pass for glaucoma.
Celebrity: 6 out of 10, Fergie | No Comments »
Venus Williams turned pro when she was 14. Other women wait until at least their 18th birthday, though probably have spent more time in jail for their efforts. Venus, on the other hand, began as a winner and won often, and, in doing, so displayed the killer instinct of a headhunter from the delta in the lower Zambezi. But forget her Wimbledon titles, her Grand Slams and her Olympic gold medals for a minute. Forget her explosive 129 mph serve, considered the most powerful on the women’s pro tennis tour. The question is would you, under any circumstances, do Venus Williams? And the answer, unlike a quick, unchecked affirmative blurt in a 2 am drunken stupor at a cheap bar of smelly socks and stale beer, might require days in the formulation of an opinion. That’s because Williams, thicker of body and consequent muscle at one time, has slimmed to almost starving runway model proportions. The thighs and calves, now, are almost waif-like, sprinkled with US Open pixie dust. Except only in true Geometry does a foot never lose its size. Instead, by optical illusion it appears even larger. More to play with, you say? More toe for the taking? Fine, and you can be our guest of honor at the next canal boat race in Erie, Pennsylvania. That’s one athletic event Venus doesn’t win what with those lumbering “Fours” to lug around.
Celebrity: 4 out of 10, Venus Williams | No Comments »
No relation to Harry Potter, Monica Potter, born Monica Gregg Brokaw, only bears the coincidence of name to Tom Brokaw. So exactly who the hell is she? For one, her father, Paul, invented the first flame-resistant car wax. You probably read about it in all the papers. For her part, and that was a big one, Monica was a product of the Cleveland school system. As a youth she was torn between having a career either as a nun or an actress. Finding it difficult to make both of those closely-related life choices work simultaneously, Monica opted for the bright lights and big city in front of the camera. She started off in daytime soap opera- The Young and the Restless- and availed herself quite spectacularly as Nicholas Cage’s wife in Con Air, a film about long haired ugly guys taking a plane ride. Potter also starred opposite Robin Williams in Patch Adams [she’s the one in the gas station having her flat fixed]. At 37, Potter obviously has some va-va-voom left in her, but she’s strongly advised against wearing slips in public. Where Potter really takes an unyielding hammer is the fact of her lumpy, varicose shins. And, like the Mayan civilization ruins, her feet are remnants of a once proud tribe of ancients. Dare we look closer at these antiquities of another age? The bulge on the side of her right toe probably has colorful stories to tell while the rest of the crew stick out like black voters in a Palm Beach Republican ward. Sad that it has come to this. On a drunken night, Monica looks good in the dim. In the harsh light of common sense “5″ is being quite realistic.
Celebrity: 5 out of 10, Monica Potter | No Comments »
